Let me show you something. This is a Mad Libs for people who can’t articulate their value proposition:

The LinkedIn Spiritual Pitch Generator™

Hi [NAME],

Your [VAGUE QUALITY] stands out - you carry the signature of a [FLATTERING ROLE] who's already mastered [THEIR FIELD].

I partner with [ASPIRATIONAL IDENTITY] who are no longer motivated by [BASIC NEED] - they are here to [SPIRITUAL PHRASE], not [MUNDANE ACTION].

To build [ABSTRACT NOUN] where [POSITIVE WORD], [POSITIVE WORD], [POSITIVE WORD], [POSITIVE WORD], and [POSITIVE WORD] all converge.

Would you be open to a brief conversation about your [COSMIC CONCEPT]?

This exact message works for CEOs, yoga instructors, product designers, dog walkers, and motivational speakers. Because it says absolutely nothing.

Remove my name and you could send it to 10,000 people. They’d all think you were talking specifically to them because the language is so generic it applies to everyone and no one simultaneously.

Schrödinger’s pitch, if you will.

I know this template works because I just received one. Here’s what actually landed in my DMs yesterday:

First question: what do you actually do?

Second question: have you looked at my profile? I design SaaS interfaces. My “true frequency” wants to create a more intuitive onboarding flow.

Third question: what is a “vertical and energetic” business model? Is that different from a horizontal and lethargic one? Are there diagonal options? Circular, perhaps?

Fourth question: are we sure this isn’t a meditation retreat that accidentally got a LinkedIn account and is now desperately trying to hit quota?

What’s Actually Happening Here

Spiritual language has become the new way to hide that you have no positioning.

Can’t explain what you do?
Use “energetic alignment” and “vertical transformation”

No clear offer?
Talk about “liberation” and “convergence”

No proof of results?
Mention “legacies” and “full alignment”

Don’t know your target audience?
Address them as “visionaries” and “leaders”

It sounds profound. It’s actually just vague.

Here’s why it happens: Clarity is vulnerable. If you say “I help SaaS companies fix their onboarding flows,” someone might say “we don’t need that.” But if you say “I help visionaries experience their true frequency,” nobody can say no because nobody knows what you’re offering.

Vagueness feels safer than specificity. It’s not.

I’m not against spiritual language in business. I’m against using spiritual language as a substitute for knowing what you do.

If you need to invoke the cosmos to explain your consulting practice, you don’t have a positioning problem. You have a “what do you actually do?” problem.

Liberation isn’t a service. It’s what you need from this conversation.

Let’s Do the Math on This Approach

Generic spiritual outreach:

• Time to write template: 10 minutes (once)
• Time per message: 30 seconds (paste, change name, feel spiritual)
• Messages sent per day: 200
• Response rate: 1% if you’re lucky (2 responses)
• Qualified responses: 0% (nobody knows what you’re offering)
• Conversion rate: 0 clients
• Total result: 200 confused inboxes, one damaged reputation, indefinite wondering why LinkedIn isn’t working

Specific outreach:

• Time: 30 minutes researching 5 actual people
• Messages sent: 5 personalized ones that show you read something they wrote
• Response rate: 20-40% (1-2 people respond)
• Qualified: At least you’re talking to people who might actually need what you offer
• Conversion: Possibly one client if your service is actually good
• Total result: Actual conversations with humans who know why you’re talking to them

Math difference:

• Generic: 200 messages = 0 clients = many hours wondering what’s wrong with your “energy”
• Specific: 5 messages = potential 1 client = same outcome with 98% less effort

You’re not saving time by going generic. You’re wasting it at scale.

(Which, coincidentally, is also not very energetically aligned.)

What Good Outreach Actually Looks Like

Good outreach shows you know three things:

1. Who I am

“Saw your article on onboarding pattern interference”

(Not: “You carry the signature of a leader”)

2. What you do

“I help SaaS designers reduce stakeholder revision cycles using a prioritization framework”

(Not: “I partner with visionaries seeking vertical energetic alignment”)

3. Why it’s relevant

“Noticed you work with enterprise clients who probably have 10+ stakeholders. Built something that might help.”

(Not: “Would you be open to a conversation about your liberation?”)

Here’s a real example of good outreach I got last month:

“Hi Tanya, read your piece on why marketing case studies lie. I run a design agency that stopped doing marketing websites for the same reasons. Would love to compare notes on how you handle that conversation with potential clients who still want them.”

Why it worked:

• Referenced specific content I wrote
• Showed they understood my actual perspective
• Had a clear, non-salesy reason to connect
• I knew exactly what they did within 10 seconds
• I actually responded

The spiritual DM?

I still don’t know what they’re selling. Liberation consulting? Energetic business coaching? Vertical strategy sessions? Pleasure convergence workshops? A subscription box of positive words that all mean the same thing?

It could be literally anything. Which means it’s nothing.

What I Actually Want in My DMs

If you’re going to reach out:

Tell me what you do.
Not metaphorically. Not energetically. Literally. “I help X people with Y problem using Z method.”

Show you know what I do.
Reference something specific. An article. A project. A LinkedIn post. A comment I made. Anything that proves you didn’t just pull my name from a list of “leaders” and paste a template.

Have a real reason.
“Want to learn more about your process” is fine. “Brief conversation about your liberation” is not.

Be specific about the ask.
15-minute call about X topic. Not “explore what your true frequency wants to create.” (My true frequency wants to know what you do for a living.)

That’s it. That’s the bar.

It’s not high. But it’s apparently higher than “you carry the signature of a leader.”

If your outreach could be sent to anyone, it will resonate with no one.

Specificity isn’t a nice-to-have in outreach. It’s the entire point.

And if you’re “no longer motivated by proving anything,” maybe don’t prove it by sending 200 cold DMs to people whose profiles you didn’t read.

(The cosmos is watching. And it’s unimpressed.)